Figgle-dee-schtickens.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Spark and Chameleon go back to their home planets and discover what people really think about their relationship.


Legion of Super-Heroes script: "Figgle-dee-sthickens."  
  
by Tom Greene.  
  
Time Taking Place: About 11 months in. Done in two ten page semi-attached stories, 1-11/12 being one front cover, back being 22-11/12.  
  
The vast majority of these characters are the copyright of DC Comics. This isn't as needed as a warning, but the writer doesn't want to get sued by The Man.   
If you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. Don't do drugs. Unless it is for good reasons.Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.   
  
Front side.  
  
Page 1 (1), panel 1. A spaceport. You see Spark with some bags.  
  
Live Wire:  
  
So, sis, where are you going?  
  
1,2.   
  
Spark:  
  
I told you, I was asked to give a speech at our old school. You know, a typical "If you can dream, you too could be shocked by lightning beasts and given cool powers" type of thing.  
  
1,3.  
  
Live Wire:  
  
Why did you get the call? Wouldn't they want both of us?  
  
1,4.  
  
Spark:  
  
Nope. I'm the official Legionnaire choice, so they wanted just me this time. Probably wanted to give the solos hope too.  
  
1,5.  
  
Live Wire:  
  
Well, I don't really care either way. Sounds hella boring.  
  
1,6.  
  
Spark:  
  
It is, but I'm getting serious cred, so I don't really care too much.  
  
1,7.Chameleon comes by. MUST be in civilian garb.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
There you are! I've been looking for you. You didn't think I'd go home without giving you a proper goodbye, did you?  
  
1,8.  
  
Spark:   
  
What did you think I was expecting?  
  
1,9. You see them kiss. A photographer is watching.  
  
Photographer:  
  
WHAT A STORY! "WINATH'S LIGHTNING LASS CAUGHT WITH DURLAN PIECE OF NASS." I'll make millions on both sides!  
  
  
2,1. Spark is asleep.  
  
Flight attendant:  
  
Um, miss? We're here. WAKE UP!  
  
2,2. Spark looks like she just woke up.  
  
Spark:  
  
Geez, that was a long flight. I'd better go home and freshen up.   
  
2,3. Spark leaves the airport.  
  
Spark:  
  
Taxi?  
  
2,4. It's visibly later.   
  
Spark:  
  
Luckily I brought my ring for cases like this.  
  
2,5. Spark arrives at the school.  
  
2,6. Spark goes to the principal's office.  
  
2,7.   
  
Spark:  
  
I'm ready to give that speech.   
  
2,8.  
  
Principal:  
  
You? Give that speech? Why would we let a flarthrag like you give the speech?  
  
2,9.  
  
Spark:  
  
Excuse me. Back it up a bit?  
  
3,1. The principal looks mad. He hands her a newspaper.  
  
3,2. Spark reads it. She looks angered.  
  
Spark:  
  
Winathian Legionnaire caught with Durlan? What's the problem there?  
  
3,3.   
  
The principal:  
  
We had you speak here because you're a good girl who we can have our children look up to. Now we find out that you're a common hussy looking for a cheap thrill?  
  
3,4.  
  
Spark:  
  
That's silly! Reep's a good guy!   
  
3,5.  
  
The principal:  
  
Yeah. Sure. We all know you're with him because of the rumor.  
  
3,6.Spark looks mad.  
  
Spark:  
  
WHAT RUMOR?  
  
3,7.   
  
The Principal:  
  
You know, the rumor that all Durlans are big in the lap.  
  
3,8. Spark is visibly raging.  
  
Spark:  
  
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'D THINK THAT! I LIKE HIM! HE'S A GOOD GUY!  
  
3,9. The principal is apparently screaming.  
  
The principal:  
  
Yeah. In your translation: "YES! YES! OH, DURLAN, YOU'RE SO GOOD!"  
  
4,1. Spark heads for the door.  
  
Spark:  
  
I'm outta here. Call when you become more mature.  
  
4,2. Principal goes to the doorway.  
  
The principal:  
  
TRY NOT TO BOINK ANY MORE SHAPERS ON THE WAY TO YOUR CAR!  
  
4,3. Spark leaves.  
  
Spark:  
  
Sprocking racist principal. I'd best get home.  
  
4,4. Spark arrives on her parents' doorstep.  
  
4,5.Mrs. Ranzz looks upset.  
  
Mrs. Ranzz:  
  
Who are you?  
  
4,6. Spark looks frustrated.  
  
Spark:  
  
Um, it's your daughter? You know, the superhero?   
  
4,7.   
  
Mrs. Ranzz:  
  
Daughter? We have no daughter here.   
  
4,8.   
  
Spark:  
  
Dad! Come on!  
  
4,9. Mr.Ranzz comes over to the door.   
  
Mr.Ranzz:  
  
No, I believe she's right. We have one great super-hero son, our pride and joy, one solo kid, and one dirty little Shaper-loving hussy who lived with us for a little bit.  
  
5,1. Spark looks mad.  
  
Spark:  
  
Come on! You know it's not like that!  
  
5,2. Mr. Ranzz is shocked.  
  
Mr.Ranzz:  
  
What? It's a female Durlan? She knocked you up?   
  
5,3. Spark is angry.  
  
Spark:  
  
Come now! It's nothing like that!  
  
5,4. Mrs. Ranzz tries to be supportive.  
  
Mrs. Ranzz:  
  
Come now, sweetie. It's okay.  
  
5,5. Spark appears calmed down a bit.  
  
Spark:  
  
Really?  
  
5,6.   
  
Mrs. Ranzz:  
  
Of course. All young girls about your age will probably experiment, and how better to do so than find one of those big squidlike guys with their big, tentacle-like....  
  
5,7. Spark gets mad:  
  
Spark:  
  
MOTHER! WE ARE NOT INVOLVED LIKE THAT!  
  
5,8.   
  
Mr.Ranzz:  
  
Tell that common gutter flarthrag at the door she's due at the government office post haste.  
  
5,9. Spark looks relieved.  
  
Spark:  
  
Finally. Some sanity.  
  
6,1. Spark is shocked.  
  
Spark:  
  
YOU'RE TAKING AWAY MY LEGIONNAIRE DUTY???  
  
6,2. WPM looks a little solemn.  
  
Winathian Prime Minister:  
  
Well, you see, the Legionnaire who's officially from Winath is representing us to the universe. Your brother has the same power as you, and we feel that making him the official one will look better than some little Shaper-loving slut.   
  
6,3. Spark is angry.  
  
Spark:  
  
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.   
  
6,4. WPM looks slightly nicer.  
  
WPM:  
  
We would be willing to keep you on if you'll just do one thing.  
  
6,5. Spark looks like she doesn't trust it.  
  
Spark:  
  
For the last time, I DON'T DO THAT STUFF!  
  
6,6.   
  
WPM:  
  
No,no,no. All we want you to do is dump the Durlan and let us tape it on our TV station.Otherwise, we'll have to use our power with the press to make you look like a whore to the planet.  
  
6,7/8/9. Panoramic view of the Prime Minister's office.  
  
Spark:  
  
Can I have some time to think about it?  
  
WPM:  
  
Sure.  
  
7. 4 panel page. You see Spark walking along the streets of Winath.  
  
7,1. Mothers are pulling their children away.   
  
Mother:  
  
Stay away from those girls, kids. They only want one thing.  
  
Spark(in thoughts):  
  
On the one hand, if I stay with Cham, I'll be outcast throughout my home...but on the other hand, I really like him.  
  
7,2. You see people holding up signs saying "SHAPER-LOVER LEAVE HOME." Spark looks confused.  
  
Spark(in thoughts):  
  
But on the first hand, I'd lose virtually everything good here...but on the other hand, no guys I know are quite like him.  
  
7,3. You see a guy right near him making the "finger gun" motion.   
  
Guy:  
  
I know 50 different ways to make you call me Big Poppa.  
  
Spark(In thoughts):  
  
But on the first hand, I'd probably lose my Legion membership, keeping me from him anyway...but on the other hand, those rumors they talk about ARE true.  
  
7,4. Spark(in thoughts):  
  
I need to get back to HQ.  
  
8,1. Spark goes to the spaceport.  
  
Spark:  
  
One ticket to Earth, please.  
  
Flight person:  
  
Hey, aren't you that chick who was caught with the Durlan guy?  
  
8,2. Spark looks down.  
  
Spark:  
  
Um, yeah.  
  
Flight person:  
  
Cool. Mind if I could have an autograph?  
  
8,3. Spark gets on the ship.  
  
8,4. A flight attendant sees the crowd.  
  
Flight Attendant:  
  
Welcome to Flight 697, Winath City to Metropolis, with a stopover in Newark. If you'll look on this ship, you'll see famed Winathian hussy Ayla Ranzz, better known as that shaper-loving Legion bitch. We hope you enjoy your flight.  
  
9,1. Flight attendant:  
  
Wake up, miss. We're here at Metropolis. Now you may leave to go practice abomination with that Durlan, you sick, depraved individual.  
  
9,2. Spark wakes up.  
  
Spark:  
  
I need to talk to him.  
  
9,3. Spark gets back to HQ.  
  
9,4.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Ayla!  
  
Spark:   
  
Cham! I was looking for you! We need to talk.  
  
10,1. Chameleon looks down.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Let me guess. You're kicking me to the curb?  
  
10,2.Spark's surprised.  
  
Spark:  
  
How did you know?  
  
10,3.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
I was watching Winath's government TV station. They've been advertising "SEE WINATH'S LEGIONNAIRE DUMP A DURLAN" for a few weeks.  
  
10,4.   
  
Spark:  
  
Well, I didn't get the TV station to come.  
  
10,5.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Okay. Truth be told, I was coming to dump you, too.  
  
10,6.   
  
Spark:  
  
Look, I love you, but I don't want to lose everything in the world for you.  
  
10,7.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
But I'd risk it all for you...  
  
10,8.  
  
Spark:  
  
I know. But if I were to do this, I'd lose it all and you. It's better off this way. Now just put a fake smile on and leave me be.  
  
10,9.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Okay.  
  
11/12. You see them in a huge embrace. MUST BE DONE top quality.  
  
  
  
  
  
Second side. NO FLIP BOOK FORMAT, put them both on same top-bottom format.  
  
Page 1(22), panel 1. An office. Chameleon is on the phone.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Uddnnuddin?  
  
1(22), 2.  
  
Durlan on phone:  
  
Reep, we would like you to give a commencement speech at our university. Something like, "Don't bow to prejudice" or some nass like that.  
  
1(22), 3.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Oh. The same one as the last few years. I'm going to be going to the spaceport, so I'll catch a plane there.  
  
1(22), 4.   
  
DOP:  
  
I knew I could count on you, old boy.   
  
1(22),5.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
I'd better motor.   
  
1(22), 6. At the spaceport.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Ah. There they are. I'll go wish her luck.  
  
1(22) 7-9 exactly copy the panels from 1, 7-9.  
  
2(21), 1. You see Chameleon reach the airport.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Phew. It gets tiresome hearing all the speciesism on Earth. It's always nice to come home once in a while where I'm treated like sprocking Valor.  
  
2(21), 2. An empty airport.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Huh? Did Y3K hit without my knowledge? I'd better go over to the university.  
  
2(21), 3. You see him flying to the university.  
  
2(21), 4-5-6-7-8-9. Overview of the university.  
  
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe:  
  
Durla University is a somewhat prestiged university. It is known to be one of the few top schools who'll take Durlans, which is one of their claims to fame. It also has a really kick-ass film school.  
  
3(20), 1. Chameleon looks for the dean.  
  
3(20), 2.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Where do I go?  
  
3(20),3.  
  
Dean:  
  
Just get in there. Scoot!  
  
3,4.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
And that is how a person gets to become Legionnaire/Pope. Any questions?  
  
3,5. A voice comes up from a sea of Durlans.  
  
DIC:  
  
Why are you an Uncle Tom?  
  
3,6.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
What? I'm not an Uncle Tom. Why did you think that?  
  
3,7.  
  
DIC:  
  
Only because you're dating a humanoid woman!  
  
3,8.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
That is not a problem!  
  
3,9.  
  
DIC:  
  
No, it is! Is it that you don't want a strong Durlan woman?  
  
4(19), 1.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Of course not!   
  
4,2.  
  
DIC:  
  
But you're dating a humanoid!   
  
4,2.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
So? I look at the person, not the type of them.  
  
4,3.  
  
DIC:  
  
Notice he said PERSON!   
  
4,4. The Durlans keep chanting.  
  
Durlans:  
  
Earth-Influenced Durlan! Earth-influenced Durlan!  
  
4,5.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
That's silly. I am not an Uncle Tom.  
  
4,6.  
  
DIC:  
  
Then why do you keep that humanoid form?  
  
4,7.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Come now! It's just that humans won't respect us without it!  
  
4,8.  
  
DIC:  
  
You aren't even EID. You're a full fledged ROCKER!  
  
4,9.  
  
Durlans:  
  
ROCKER! ROCKER!  
  
5(18),1.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Look. What do I need to do to show you that I'm not a racist?  
  
5,2.  
  
DIC:  
  
You can't. You made it big. You big Durlans think that a humanoid woman is the prize.   
  
5,3.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Haven't any of you ever liked humanoids?  
  
5,4.  
  
DIC:  
  
If we did, it's because The Human keeps shoving their image down our throat. You took it and came out with one. You're a sell-out.  
  
5,5.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
So, you're saying that I'll need to leave the first girl I ever loved for my countrymen's respect?  
  
5,6.  
  
DIC:  
  
That's about the situation, yeah.  
  
5,7.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Sprock that. I have a humanoid girlfriend. That shouldn't be a thing. Get over your "Fear of a Green Planet" mentality.  
  
5,8.  
  
DIC:  
  
Ten to one she only loves you for the rumor.  
  
5,9.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Would you like to come up here, please?  
  
6(17),1.  
  
Durlan in crowd:  
  
Okay.  
  
6,2. Chameleon punches him in the face.  
  
6,3.  
  
Durlan:  
  
You're going to regret that, punk.   
  
6,4. Chameleon punches him again.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Nope, I don't regret it so far.  
  
6,5. Chameleon punches him again, knocking him out.  
  
6,6.Chameleon stands over him.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
The price is wrong, bitch!  
  
6,7. The crowd cheers.  
  
6,8.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Thank you, class of 3000! This Uncle Tom is going to leave now to go get freaky with his humanoid woman!  
  
6,9. The crowd cheers as he leaves.  
  
Durlans:  
  
Cham! Cham! Cham!   
  
7(16),1.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Well, I won the crowd back. But was that one guy right?  
  
7,2.   
  
Chameleon:  
  
Do I really have to dump Ayla and get a Durlan in order to have my countrymen's respect?  
  
7,3.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Could I even find a Durlan who I could love?  
  
7,4.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
I need to go back.  
  
8(15),1.Cham gets back to HQ.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Is Ayla back yet?  
  
Live Wire:  
  
I haven't seen her. I'd say for you to just watch a little TV.  
  
8,2.Chameleon turns the TV on.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Crap, crap, crap, crap...  
  
8,3.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Geez, 1,000,000 channels and nothing's on, huh? Is that Ayla?  
  
8,4. The TV comes on.  
  
Tonight on WTV, see Winath's official Legionnaire kick a Durlan to the curb! WTV, where you absolutely have to watch!  
  
9(14),1. Chameleon looks down.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
DAMN! She's going to break up with me. But I was going to do it!  
  
9,2. Live Wire comes up to him.  
  
Live Wire:  
  
In case you wanted to know, she's outside.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Thanks.   
  
9,3.  
  
Chameleon:  
  
Well, here it goes. I'm going to get my heart broken. Better put a face on like I don't know it.  
  
9,4, and 10(13) are the same as the ones at the top.  
  
The end.  
  



End file.
